Watching The Kardashians Having Never Seen Their Previous Shows

After what has to be like 15 years of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, the incessantly present family has a new Hulu show today. In college, I might have seen 90 seconds of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I remember the fact of a piece by Michael Moynihan on what their success means for the nation. I am team Taylor Swift because she creates not just fame, but art. On the other hand, Kim Kardashian pulled a full on Radley Balko when she helped free Alice Johnson from prison.

All this knowledge of the family, nothing of the way they took over. I have to watch. I don’t want to watch. The paradox of boredom, where something is so uninteresting to me that it might just hold some fascination, maybe that can save me.

Let us watch. No looking stuff up, like the difference between some of the sisters, but no pretending that I didn’t somehow manage to learn an unreasonable number of details from their lives.

Why are we opening with sweeping, soaring camera work.

I am bored.

Maybe I will finally learn the difference between Kendall and Kylie Jenner.

It is strangely helpful that this opening is labeling each member of the family. Could other humans be watching this as their first Kardashian show?

The music is trying so hard to get me hyped and fabulous.

The ladies are all standing in a line in hideous neutrals. “The Kardashians.” Yeah, we know. We all know.

I have to say that Kim’s criminal justice thing is commendable, and more interesting than anything else she has done in her life (I assume). And reading the law is even more cool. In my head, this is a lot more Lysander Spooner than it deserves. It is in fact closer to rich celebrity does not want to go to regular schooling. But still.

We’re not going to focus on the reading the law thing, are we?

North West still sounds like an ok stage name, and a bullshit name for a child. I recently realized that Kim and Kanye had like four more children than I realized.

It gets Kim Kardashian horny to clean our her playroom (now that just seems like a euphemism, and I wish it was). “Any mom will get that.”

Is the aggressive labeling new to this version of the show? EVEN I KNOW WHICH ONE IS KRIS. She doesn’t look interchangeable the way her children do.

Kris Jenner currently testing my fondness for mixing patterns and then for bright colors. Ew.

Kris Jenner now naming the five million companies they own. Kylieskin sure sounds serial killer-riffic. SKIMs keeps being mentioned. That has to be a laxative tea or some kind of shapewear, because I think that’s part of their thing? Hot Sauce Company? Can I learn about that one?

I looked away, so I don’t know if they labeled this one, but I think it’s Khloe. My semi face blindness is being tested by this monochrome, similar outfits, similar hair, similar makeup that will hopefully on day go out of fashion.

Ok, this one is pregnant. Wait, that’s one of the younger ones. I think it’s Kendall. Is she married to the dude who managed to get eight people killed at his concert? Is that in the future for this show? 

Kim Kardashian now spinning some folk wisdom about girls in the womb stealing your beauty, so that’s stupid.

OK, that one is Khloe. She is the one who used to look more different from the other two sisters, and clearly got massive work done. 

I am bored.

Ok, Kourtney is the one who was in He’s All That and I did not know she was a real Kardashian, not an expy.

“Living without cameras was an absolute dream.”I would say you can do that any time, but maybe you are enslaved to your mom. Or it’s just being famous is hard 🙁 🙁 🙁

Kourtney is dating the guy from Blink-182? The drummer? Maybe?

I hate that I have to refer to them by their first names like I have a fondness.

Saint is another Kim spawn. For a famous person child, that’s a pretty chill name. 

Saint looked at this internet and it said something about Kim’s sex tape. And that child is so young that they don’t know what’s up, so it is fine.

All-white ball pit is full on obnoxious Instagram aesthetic.

Here at the family barbecue, Kim’s regular human news is that Lorne Michaels asked her to host SNL. Did that happen yet/already? I genuinely can’t remember.

Kim is talking about doing shit like going on Dancing With the Stars because her mom made her. Which is the stereotype about her, and is either real, or heightened reality drama, or probably some combo.

WAIT, does Kim go on SNL and meet Pete Davidson, and then they start dating?


I do not know who Kourtney and Khloe used to be married to. There was a sports person involved with one of them.

Reign is a pretty bad name, Kourtney.

Some celebs like to cover their kids’ faces on social media, and this sure is the opposite. 

Oh God, is this a brother? No, it’s the ex of one of them. Wait, is Khloe talking to the ex brother in law. Who flirts with her more than her real brother does. Which is a line that i feel like is supposed to come off as lol, she said something dumb, but comes off as joke but 😐

First time check. 28 more minutes. 🙁

They have the delivery of tv anchors doing casual interviews. So it’s like not stilted, but there’s nothing interesting about it.

You know what, I changed my mind. Kris can keep wearing hideous patterns to escape the curse of everyone else wearing monochrome.

Is Scott famous? He looks dirtbag-y, but beyond that, I cannot get a vibe.

Kourtney has a Penelope, which is such a wildly normal name for a child.

Ok, Kourtney has nice combat boots, and a tiny, monochrome dress and it is boring.

An off screen voice asked Kourtney in a talking head who made the first move.

Travis Barker and a child are having a drum battle and this is SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING BY DEFAULT.

Kardashians seem so artless that their constant dating of musicians feels weird.

Sorry, Kim isn’t artless. I will never forget seeing her coffee table book of selfies in Barnes and Noble — a concept that is so stupid, it is art.

Kim is in monochrome. Her stylish person is in monochrome. Stop.

Kim in the talking head interview has a Princess Jasmine vibe. We don’t need to overstress race, but this family has done more to convince people that Armenians aren’t white than anyone since the Turks.

Ok, Khloe also has an estranged husband. His name is Tristan. I don’t know who that is either.

Khloe is ahead in fashion because she’s wearing bright pink. That’s our fashion standard at this point.

“When you’re on top of your game, no pun intended” ok, so he is sports.

I have no idea how many kids Khloe has.

Khloe and Tristan are estranged, yet do couples therapy together. Yes, I am outside people, and I am confused, Khloe.

Ok, the weirdly casual way they talk about how Khloe threw water on his clothing because he cheated on her when she was nine months pregnant in 2018 is pretty wild. Tristan wants to get back together, and Khloe is tentative. Don’t do it.

I think I remember a headline suggesting that Travis Barker and Kourtney got married, so Khloe is the only one who is adding suspense with the relationship here.

Another stylist woman wearing monochrome greige. Is this like a stage hand wearing all black?

“I rant into Pete Davidson at the Met” oh damn, it begins. Sorry, Kanye. 

I feel like this is definitely before the Travis Scott concert deaths thing. So maybe we’ll deal with that in the dignified way that only Kardashians can provide.

Kim’s extensions make her hair so long that she looks like a doll. 

Second time check: 13 minutes left.

Khloe is wearing all beige. HIDEOUS.

“You guys make fun of me for having a bigger vagina than most” from Khloe. Again, this is very contrived. They delivery lines like this like they don’t know that it’s supposed to sound goofy. Like the fucking Jessica Simpson “chicken of the sea” thing. It’s not real. None of it.

I am triggered by Kloe’s beige outfit. I am so upset by this.

“Kanye and I remain friends.” Not a fresh take, I think. 

We’re just sitting here getting every thrilling detail of the older sisters’ restaurant orders. They work out so much because they love food. They are #justlikeus

We’re still talking about Scott not being invited to the family barbeque that opened the show. I don’t care.

Can we please go back to Kim reading the law or something?

Third time check: 8:30 left.

I get the sense that these women have picked some bad men over the years. Just by watching this I get to be on their side. I guess they weren’t cheating on anyone while they were nine months pregnant, at least.

The elder sisters and Kris are having a “you look cute” pow-wow and they all look ghastly. If this is Kim’s closest, the amount of beige I see is INSANE.

OK, there’s some running plot about a new Kim sex tape, or like the director’s cut. I still don’t know if that original tape was released by the mom, or by Kim. Congrats on this family’s clawing their way to the top, but I don’t really buy that this was released without consent. On the other hand, Kim’s blase attitude (except when it comes to her kid almost seeing it) is correct.

Khloe is saying “I feel like we’re back in season one” re the sex tape. Same, girl. And I didn’t watch season 1 through whatever number. But I lived it just the same. 

“I’ll sue for nominal damages” Lawyered?

Now Kim is upset, and everyone is making sympathetic faces.

“I am a mama bear.” You are a ringmaster, Kris Jenner. Even I know this.

Kim turned off her tears in a way that seemed mildly sociopathic.

“I have all the time, money, and resources to burn them to the fucking ground.” I mean, if I believed this was real, you go, girl.


“This season on the Kardashians”

Are we no longer Keeping Up because this was filmed a million years ago? The most haunting thing about this episode was how little I learned about the family that was new information. Beyond the names and careers of Khloe and Kourtney’s exes, and the difference between Kendall and Khloe, this was not news. Perhaps this is proof that the Kardashian receptors in my brain are active.

This season, all the drama that didn’t happen continues. Scott is still upset that he wasn’t invited to the barbecue. And I genuinely ask myself if I want reality show fake drama over this light snooze.

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